Why, god, why?
The lady who lives downstairs from me is mobility-impaired. She seems very nice. In my head, I call her the "cripple-lady" - I know this is wrong, insensitive and a terrible thing to do, but I don't know her name and that's just what I call her to myself. It is not meant as an insult or anything.
My insensitivities aside, she has a little dachshund. When I asked her about it, she said she wanted "a little lap doggie". I don't know about this woman, but I would never let that beast anywhere near my face, or any part of my body, for that matter! This dog is a baleful hellhound of bloody dismemberment. I would almost think it was cute, were it not a dachshund-shaped manifestation of pure evil.
This dog barks, growls, spits at, and actually attempts to attack anyone who is not the cripple-lady. Even her husband is not safe from its wrath. Once, when they first moved in, I was bitten by the demonic canine. Fortunately, I was wearing jeans and its vile fangs failed to penetrate my skin. However, I would be lying to you if I said the "little lap doggie" doesn't make me very, very nervous.
They frequently allow the beast onto their porch, where it may threaten the populace without real supervision. While it cannot escape the confines of the porch (as it is securely tied to something inside the apartment by its ever-present leash), it is free to run back and forth along the inside of the porch, barking, growling, foaming and bearing its glistening-white teeth at anyone who dares take out the garbage or go to the car.
At first, being the animal lover that I am, I thought that perhaps cripple-lady's beloved pet was just cranky and having a bad day, or intimidated by strangers or something. I have learned that this is not the case. This dog, if it can even be called that, really is as vicious as I described above, and it is like that ALL THE TIME.
My question is, why? Why does it hate the world and all things in it? Is it something about dachshunds? I'm currently leaning strongly toward the theory that the "dog" is in fact nothing more than a dachshund-shaped manifestation of pure evil, as I mentioned earlier. However, I am open to alternative hypotheses. If you can think of another plausible explaination for this behaviour, please, let me know! Oh, and don't bother with the "little dogs don't know their own size - they know no fear" thing. This goes waaay beyond "little dog" syndrome. Remember, this abomination actually bit me! For absolutely no reason! I was returning to my apartment, minding my own business when it leapt off cripple-lady's lap and sprang toward me, dragging it's leash behind it and viciously attempted to taste my tender flesh! If cripple-lady's husband hadn't heard the commotion and come running to my rescue, the beast might still be attatched to the bloody remains of my leg.