What Lies Beneath

I am so stressed right now, words are failing me. I all honesty, I have reached "panic stage" about my thesis. I'm just not getting anywhere on it. I don't even know where to start working on it! In fact, I shouldn't even be blogging right now. You know why I'm blogging? That's right, avoidance! I'm currently modeling that time-honored and always-productive "head in the sand" technique.

The fact is, I woke up in a panic (about the thesis) and have been operating in a state of low-level panic attack all day. My heart is racing, I can't focus, I'm anxious. I've got that adrenaline-surge thing going on. What my body doesn't realize is that this fight-or-flight response is NOT helping me right now. Oh, if only my thesis were a large, physical demon that I could beat upon with my tiny fists! Because, let me tell you, I'm ready for THAT. Or running. I could definately run away from something large and scary right now. But running around my apartment and shadowboxing isn't what I need to be doing, and more's the pity. I'm so jittery, I can't think straight, which just makes me MORE anxious, which keeps me from working on my project, which makes the whole thing worse! AUGH!

I always knowingly lied to myself that I was not affected by the hereditary anxiety in my family. However, I do (or did) believe that I can handle my anxiety, when it rears its ugly head. Now I'm beginning to wonder. The last thing I want is to turn into a neurotic basketcase who maintains a thin veneer of normalcy by living in a constant state of denial. Believe me when I tell you I have ready access to the world's best mentor for walking such a path. When nature and nurture join forces, can I hope to stand against them, armed with nothing but a strong will (or perhaps it's a dire fear)? For the sake of my sanity, I have to believe the answer is yes.

But am I lying to myself in that? Where is the truth in all this? Perhaps there is no truth. Perhaps I'm coming back to my initial enlightenment - with a new caveat: Only I get to decide who I will be when I grow up.

Ah! It's an evolution in thought!
Enlightenment 1: I get to decide who I will be when I grow up. - Freedom
Enlightenment 2: Only I get to decide who I will be when I grow up. - Responsibility

I suppose time will tell if I manage to struggle through my anxiety about my anxiety.

Wow, that was some full disclosure, there. This post took a couple turns I wasn't quite expecting, but I guess it's good to get it all out. Now that you know how crazy I really am, here's a quote I read the other day that I really like:

"The difference between perserverance and obstinacy is that one often comes from a strong will, and the other from a strong won't." ~ Henry Ward Beecher

Which one am I, perserverance or obstinacy? Maybe I'm both, at times. I suppose that's fine, as long as I'm not "neither".

Is this making any sense? Sometimes is very hard for me to tell if I'm adequately translating what goes on in my head into a format that is accessible to others. Occasionally I wish I could just plug people directly into my brain. It might cause more confusion, but at least there wouldn't be any communication errors!